so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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