i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
