Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
