I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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