you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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