my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
