M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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