You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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