the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
