Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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