Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
