Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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