I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
