When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
false alarm. still invincible.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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