Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
