a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
