Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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