Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
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Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
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My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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