So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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