She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
