I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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