So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
