saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
