he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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