On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
