Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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