I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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