I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He kissed a someone with a penis
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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