I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
