I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
