and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
