I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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