i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
