Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
