NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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