I accidentally burped into my bong.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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