So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
