I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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