my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She's the barista slut.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
