is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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