Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
