a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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