I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
