you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
