My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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