He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
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I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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