All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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