Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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