Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
