After last night, I could never be a politician.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
