you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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