Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
